Thoughts Of Kagome
by SpikesFanGirl
Summary: Inu Yasha Thinks Of Kagome. Warning, the style it's written in is called Free thought, to show the character's actual thoughts. Rating Upped, I've realized, Inu Swears in his thoughts too.
1. Dwelling

A/N: This is a 400 word Drabble. It doesn't have proper punctuation, it doesn't have complete thoughts OR proper capitalization. It's a technique that some famous author came up with. I'm just mimicing him. If you don't like it, feel free to leave your thoughts. :) This is from Inu Yasha's POV, but I'm sure you could probably figure that out, right?  
  
(^_^);; Ja Ne? (_);;  
  
For a minute, my life stopped. My heart didn't beat, it broke. I don't think I've ever been that scared in my entire life. For a minute, you weren't there. He said.... he told me that you'd gone. That I'd failed to protect you, like I'd promised before. And in that minute I rushed to your side, in the moment I thought you were gone, I wished you were still here so I could tell you all the things I'd forgotten. But then you weren't gone. and while I was still scared of loosing you, I kept my thoughts to myself.  
  
Then, you almost died, at the hands of my own family. Because I was weak. Because I was prideful. and I hated myself for it. It seemed only logical to push you away the way I did. But then you were gone. I didn't see your smile. I didn't hear you laugh, and it killed me a little inside. I couldn't admit it to myself, but I found myself missing you. All of the little things you did. the way you smiled at me and our hands would brush I missed the way you would interrupt everything for a bath and I'd act angry, even though I didn't mind. the only reason I hated you leaving for your home was the chance you'd never come back to see me again. I was .... I am horrible to you, and I can understand you never wanting to see my face again  
  
..... but God I couldn't live with that. I'm too selfish and I'm too greedy to let you slip away like that. and I know, that it sounds wrong, that I'd put your life on the line so I could be happy, but I see the way you smile around me, you're a little happy around me too. I may be insufferable, but I know inside of me that you're happy with me, and my pride and my stubborn way.  
  
..... and I know sometimes you think, that I only love you because you may look like someone else. Because I think you look like my former lover. I guess I have to admit, that at first, that's what allowed you to become close to me. that's why I allowed you into my heart, but then, it was all you. it was because of your laugh and your smile and the way you depended on me in times of need. I guess I got a rush off of protecting you. No, I know I got a rush from being around you. you have the capability to change the world with your mood. and I see it everyday. you're caring and kind, and still stubborn and annoying. It's amazing to me how I can love you so much, and yet detest you.... and sometimes I may not understand exactly how I feel, or why I want to be near you, but can't it be enough right now that I want to be near you? can't that let us make it through the night, because-- just because I feel something so powerful for you, that I'm not sure it even has a name....? 


	2. Again

When I hold you, that is, when I'm protecting you, I'm a totally different person. I live for you, I fight for you. It makes me insane to think that someone wants to hurt someone as innocent as you. I guess i drive myself a little crazy when you cry, because i know that I'm the one who hurt you. I'm monster enough to cause pain in you. Someone so pure and kind, and ....  
  
Then there's the words i say. They slip from my mouth so easily. I can't even understand.... no i guess i do understand. So many years so many people.... have hated me, for who i am, for what i am. and they never saw me like you do. and i don't' know how to act now that you .... you love me? I'm not sure if that's right... . now that you accept me for who i am. I treat you the same as all of those who came before you, and i guard myself so carefully because I'm afraid. i can't tell you that. i can't tell anyone that I'm scared that you'll leave me like my mother did, and hate me like so many before, and betray me like she did. I hide, and you know it, but still... i can't find the way to tell you, so i just do what i always do. I call you names. i yell at you, and i start fights, because that's what i do. and while i do love you. Do I? Do I love you? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with you?  
  
And still-- I'm unsure, of it all. of myself, and my feelings. I've been mistaken before. and the amazing thing is that you looked the same... though i have to admit that you don't act alike. you.... have this passion burning in your eyes and this kindness, and a love for people that i can't explain. She was cold. And while she loved me, and i her, we were never IN love with each other. it was convenient. I was an outlet, a way for her to get away from her burdens. She.... she was a person who cared for me, something i hadn't had since my mother was alive. I realize this all now.  
  
I also realize-- that I'm in love with you. 


	3. Again Again

I'm constantly confused. How you infuriate me so, and yet, cause me to fall deeper and deeper in love, it's insane that you have such a power over me. I wonder if it's all real, if you really are here, and if you really do count on me to defend you, and if I really feel this way about someone so ... so completely wrong for me. Kami help me, I'm addicted to every aspect of you, and I can't help the way I feel, but more importantly, I don't want to. Never.  
  
I wouldn't change one thing about you. You're stubborn and you love to argue, just a few more things about you that make you so absurdly wrong for me, and yet, i love you more and more for them. You have a passion burning in your eyes that matches mine so perfectly. And .... you taught me how to love. Everyone had seen me for a demon, a monster, someone to hurt them to fear, to run from, but God .... you ran to me. Right to me. It's insane. You begged for my help, you didn't know one way or the other about who i am, or what i am, and you love me the same. You see me as a person, not half of one thing, or weak, or insufficient, you see me as ... so much more, a potential i didn't know i had, or wanted to reach for that matter. You make me want to aspire to new heights.  
  
You see past my rough edges. My entire facade i put up, to ward people off, to scare them away. Heaven help me, i can't get enough of holding you close to my body. Knowing that there is someone out there who can love me. Who sees me, all of me. The Demon, the human, the soul-- and despite all the wicked things I've done, you still want me to shield you, you come to me when you're frightened, when it's me you should really be frightened of. The things I think of doing to you-- how your scent entices me -- i can't help but feel the way i do. Sometimes I'm extra crabby, just because i want you to go away, not forever, but i can't handle your scent being so close to me. I hate to admit it, but i lied to you before, you don't smell bad. you have the most unique most exquisite smell ever. I could follow your scent through time. I can't help but want you that much more.  
  
God, Kagome, do you know how you torture me? 


	4. Trust

A/N: Thanks for the warm reception. I'll continue this as long as i get inspiration. Thank you to mkh2 for her correction, it is called "stream-of- conscious" writing. *nods* So, keep reviewing, and I'll try my hardest to keep writing. I'm thinking of doing a chapter on Kikyo and Kagome and how he really feels about both. I've hinted, but It's time I got down and dirty on the topic :) Read and Review!  
  
(^_^);; Ja Ne (_);;  
  
I don't trust you. You came so quickly. Bursting into my life and you're so sweet, it's like you're.... expecting something, and I don't know why I feel like I have to fulfill your needs. Your smile burns my soul. Your tears slice me to the core.... and when you give up hope-- I die. I still can't trust you. You make me feel all of these things, and I'm convinced you must be some kind of witch.... casting your spells with your tears, and your smiles and .... the kind way you bandage those who are hurt.  
  
I remember how you so gently placed flowers on each tomb after we buried those who were massacred. And it amazes me to no end-- how tough you are. You've survived an endless amount of near death situations, and I still call you weak. I still ... I still act like I hate you. But that's because I can't trust you with my secrets. I cant tell you the truth. I can't tell you that I love you--  
  
then you'd die. I can't let you die... not like her. No, it's more than that. I can't let you leave me alone, not after you've taught me so much about emotions. Not after you've taught me to smile, and let it reach all the way up to my eyes. Not after I let you into my heart like this. I can't ever tell you how much you mean to me. I always sleep close to you, after you've nodded off. I'm sure you've noticed... I've always written it off, that you were talking, so I was investigating....  
  
I just wanted to see your face when you weren't yelling. when you were relaxed enough to let me really look at your face. So I could get close enough to smell you, with out you noticing. And I know, you'll be the death of me. I'll turn my back on a fight, and I'll die--  
  
and you'll never know. Dying doesn't scare me. I could die and not be afraid. The pain and the time it takes, that's all okay.... I just can't die without you knowing how I care. So I'm stuck and I'm frustrated. I can't tell you, or you'll die, and I can't die without telling you. I guess it simply keeps us both alive. Though....  
  
sometimes I wonder how I can live without having you near me. 


	5. Her

How..... How am I not supposed to see her every time I look into your eyes. You couldn't be more of the opposite person. You look alike, but you couldn't be further apart in spirit. You're so tender, so loving, and you see me for who I am... so much more than just a demon, or a human, simply a person to be in love with. And I can't believe how much I care for you. It scares me. It makes me want to run the opposite direction. How you fit so well in my arms, how you stand up to my will, how you love me best, no matter what form I'm in.  
  
So I tell you to go home. You deserve so much better than this, better than this time, someone who can love you better, and will never make you cry-- god you deserve so much more than I can give you. I tell you to go away, I tell you that you're ugly and I can't stand the way you smell, because loving you-- isn't an option I have. It's not supposed to be like this-- I know.  
  
And then-- there's her.... She drew me out. I made all my promises to her. That I'd be there with her, and that I still loved her-- I can't -- I can't betray her like that. I promised that I'd follow her to hell.... but there something that happened that I never planned on happening  
  
I fell in love with you. Heaven help me it feels right. The feel of your hand in mine, and the way the mood seems lighter when you're around, and I'm scared of leaving you then. I'm scared of dying now that you're here, because there's something worth living for.... and it's you. Your scent, your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes shine when you're angry-- all of it, gives me a reason to fight.... only adding to the adrenaline high your look of concern for the blood spilt.  
  
It makes me want to take it all back, to make everything okay.... and I'd fight for you till the end of time....  
  
At first, I thought you were her, now I know-- you're everything I ever needed. 


	6. You

Isn't it amazing how the simplest touches can reveal so much about a person. Like you.... you control so much with your touch. The kind and gentle hand on my shoulder, bringing me out of one of my many sulking sessions...... I may not admit it, but I know I'm being childish-- part of me knows that I sulk just to get attention from you. It wasn't that way at first, of course, but it quickly turned that way. I loved the opportunities we had to be alone when I went off into the forest after a fight. The way you cared..... how could I not want that? how could I not love you for that?  
  
The tenderness you share for everyone.... is.... beyond words. You tend to even the demons who have been led astray with the utmost kindness... no... I think it's more than just kindness, it's genuine concern for each and every living thing..... and I act... so horribly, like you shouldn't care, but I couldn't stand it if you changed, your concern... your love, .... your charity is what I love most about you, not that there aren't two million other things I could name about you that are specific and unique that I love.  
  
Like your lips. How when your moods change, so does their shape. When you're the most angry at me, they become a thin line, and whiter. I hate it when they look like that. I'm the one who causes it though, aren't I? I know it. I know I'm the one who causes the most anger in you.... but I have to admit, I love it so much more when you smile, a full smile, so your eyes squint just a little...  
  
Your eyes..... how could I not notice your eyes.... so beautiful.... deep and entrancing..... It's amazing how two little tawny orbs could cause me to feel so much, all of it ranging so much..... you make me want to die with just one look of your eyes, yet at the same time .... I melt from the loving glances you share while the firelight is dancing enticingly in your eyes. You may not think I notice anything about you-- I just simply can't say it. I can't say any of it to you....  
  
Then I'd be weak-- Then I'd have to die.... because there's no way you could feel the same. There's no way -- that you'd .... no way that I'd impose myself on you that way. God. I'm a horrible person.... how could someone as pure and beautiful.... even care? Even spend one moment thinking about someone as insignificant as me? Someone so rough..... so callous.... so dirty-- how could you ever-- love me? 


	7. Moonlight

A/N: Hey, It's time for another Installment. This one is a little different, but I couldn't get it out of my mind (thus I'm writing this at two in the morning. I should be asleep, but I'm a dedicated authoress) and thus cannot sleep.... that and the moon was in my eyes. Yes, I got this in my mind thinking of how pretty Inu Yasha would find Kagome if she was in the moonlight. I think the Moon is much more forgiving than the sun is. You have a little darkness to hide some emotion, but it sets off the ebony hair and the very white skin that Kagome seems to have.... Okay, I'm rambling. Heh. Um. I've been thinking about adding Kagome's thoughts into this too.. *smiles* I'm sure you're all thrilled, at least I like to think you all are. :) Tell me what you think, don't be shy-- and I do admit, Inu Yasha is a bit out of character, but who wouldn't want to be woken up by an apologetic Inu Yasha? I certainly wouldn't mind. Oh, BTW, I don't own him, I just live inside of his brain.  
  
(__;;)  
  
. . . .  
  
I remember once after you and I had fought, one of the many countless times.... I followed you back. I waited a while. the sun had already set, and the full moon had risen high into the sky. I jumped through the well, hoping to convince you to come back.....  
  
I remember the summer breeze taunting my senses as it blew my hair about, mingling my scent intimately with yours.... as I had secretly hoped to one day. Your window was slightly ajar..... I leapt to the sill.... entering to find you bathed in the gentle caresses of the moonlight. your skin seemed to glow with a sheen of beauty unbeknownst in any other light. The leaves outside rustled as your heavenly scent teased me so gently..... but something seemed amiss..... I glanced again to your face to find upon my further examination that you had been crying.... the tear's trails down your face shown brightly in the moonlight.  
  
I remember feeling as if-- I was some place magical -- the soft rays of the moon seemed to be casting an intricate spell, singing to me .... for me to touch you..... my hand cupped your sleeping face.... I slowly let my thumbs dry the remaining tears that marred your peaceful face. My hands continued, unable to ignore your breathtaking ebony tresses.... I found myself running my hands through your hair, mesmerized by the simple smoothness of the texture..... I wondered privately what I'd done to deserve you..... you began to stir in your sleep and my breath hitched slightly in my throat  
"Inu Yasha?" You asked groggily.  
"I'm So sorry Kagome." 


	8. Radio

A/N: The Lyrics are NickleBack's "Just For" which upon hearing the song i knew i must write an inu yasha fic with the lyrics in them. They're very interesting lyrics, and if you have the CD (or Kazaa) listen to it... you'll be reminded of Inu Yasha too. :) Ja Ne!  
  
I remember once, when I was waiting for you to get ready to finish get ready.... your radio was on. I hated the noises that came out of that thing. they were loud and annoying, and too high pitched..... then this song came on. It sounded pretty good, nothing too whiny or high pitched, it was just.... it had a pretty nice beat.  
  
'I want to take his eyes out .... just for looking at you, yes I do...'  
  
I looked at the radio curiously for a moment. Could this person possibly inspire this man to want to take someone's eyes out, inspire the hatred and the violence so easily portrayed in his voice. It wasn't as though I had experience this before in my life, but it was usually mild annoyance that caused me to want to kill or maim others. It wasn't usually another person who made me want to hurt others.... I just liked hurting people. it was fairly simple.  
  
'I want to take his hands off.... just for touching you, yes I do....'  
  
Oh. I understood a little better. This man was defending his mate. That made sense. it was his right to want to hurt the other man for touching her. Several images of Kouga and Hojo flew through my brain. I didn't fear Miroku, he seemed to be too entangled with Sango to be honestly lecherous towards Kagome anymore, so I didn't care to think about his wandering hands much.  
  
'And I want to rip his heart out..... just for hurting you...... And I want to break his mind down, Yes I do.'  
  
Wait. This man had not only allowed his mate to be touched by this other man, but also be hurt. I scoffed at the idea, as images of Kagome being hurt attacked me furiously. I wasn't the best protector ever.... wait? Why was I thinking of her. she's not my mate, and I don't want her to be..... she's gross... ew.  
  
'And I want to make him regret life since the day he met you, yes I do.'  
  
Kouga. Kouga. Kouga. That's all I could think of. him, touching my Kagome, calling her his woman. it made me violent. made me want to vomit, made me want to kill him, and make him regret everything he'd ever said to her. He couldn't take her away... not now.  
  
'And I want to make him take back all that he took from you, Yes I do'  
  
if the last line reminded me of Kouga, and my hatred of him, why did this line seem to scream me. What had I taken from Kagome? A simple boring life? Or was there more I robbed her of?  
  
'And I want to rip his heart out just for hurting you and I want to break his mind down, Yes I do.'  
  
Rip his heart out eh? I couldn't help of the millions of times I'd made Kagome cry, or angry or simply hurt her feelings with the blundering mistakes I'd made. My coarse actions and my blunt ways-- putting her in danger .... all of the time..... God I deserved to die. More than that, how many times was she forced to watch me kiss Kikyo? How many times have I not told her..... how much longer can I hide the way I feel for her?  
  
Kagome entered the room, swiftly turning off the radio. "Alright Inu Yasha, I'm ready to go." She said haughtily. A stoic expression ruled my face. "Are you alright Inu Yasha?" She stooped to my level, as I was sitting on her bed. I grabbed her wrist, effectively pulling her into a hug.  
  
"God, Kagome, I'm so sorry." 


	9. Closer

A/N: About thoughts of Inu Yasha (That title is pending.... look for it in my profile sooner or later) it'll be it's own fic, to go a long with this one.... the thing is, I'm having a hard time getting into the right place thinking as Kagome would. So it may take me a while. It may end up being very OOC..... Or it may actually end up being really good, and what not. In any case, i have no clue when or anything like that, it'll be coming.... i work with my muse, i count on it to make my fics run. Sometimes she checks out..... But I'll try. I can't guarentee anything. :) Ja ne!  
  
Every time I see you smile. You move a little closer. You don't ... well not physically.... but you come a little bit closer to winning my heart. To dwelling in it. You gain a little bit more of my trust.... a bit more of my love.... Every time you touch my arm, our hands brushing lightly against each other....  
  
when I see the concern flooding your eyes..... that's when you make the moves. and I didn't notice this all before.... I know everyone else did. they tried to warn me that you were coming closer. it seems that I could hear their cries in the distance as I pulled you in. after a while it became not only your willing movements, but myself pulling you in... needing someone to hold on to... someone to trust. and I guess I didn't ever realize I found it in you... never realizing that you were all I needed-- all I ever wanted....  
  
and there I go again.... you say something tender, exposing yourself to me just a little bit more, but I'm scared, so scared of what you're going to do once we get there.... so I bite. I hit, I flail in fear. I don't know what else to do. a simple knee-jerk reaction and one more time, you stomp away angry. one more time I can smell your salty tears on the wind as you breeze past with your head bowed, as if I shouldn't be able to tell. and I feel.... I feel a pang of guilt. I cant' say I'm wrong. I'm not wrong. I attempt to convince myself that I'm right again..... you're so easy-- so easy to wound.... and it's like.... my primal needs take over.... to hurt you before you can do it to me. before you can reject me like she did, like they all do.....  
  
and yet.... it's not right. I'm not right. none of this is. the tears and sad expression that mar your face-- the way everyone glares at me-- the whole routine we've become set in. it's wrong.  
  
I'm wrong.  
  
again. 


	10. Tears

A/N: FF.net isn't letting me upload this, I'm not sure why-- but i'm finding it frustrating. I've had this one written since before "Radio" and it's getting annoying that this great work of mine (whatever) isn't getting put on the internet. Actually, my real reason to have this here, is just to see if I can trick FF.net into letting me post it. :) Ja Ne!  
  
your tears. I swear you keep them as some kind of secret weapon against me. you use them at the most inopportune times. I say the wrong thing, I say it in the wrong tone of voice, and you go-- and you cry-- and I can't help but let my manly facade break down as the small droplets streak their way down your face. I find you...... so complicated-- I can't help but wonder why--  
  
why do you cry when I speak sharply? Every time I'm convinced you cry simply to get your way-- something new and unique happens to you, and your tears..... and I don't understand why you cry with a smile on your face..... like when I return from battle, and I'm safe, you cry with the biggest happiest smile I've ever seen-- and those little drops, they gleam in the sunlight, at least I think it's the sunlight, maybe it's from the happiness in your eyes..... I'm sure-- when you smile and cry, it's like the happiness in your eyes spill over..... they don't contain the same sadness as when I sharply say that I don't need you......  
  
what could be further from the truth? Besides the fact that I need you for the shards, overtime, it's grown to be so much more-- I need you to cook my ramen, and so that when the wind blows the air carries a warm and familiar scent-- I need you so I can fight-- so there's a reason to fight-- I guess I never thought about it before, but God Kagome, you make life worth living- - fights are so much more...... exhilarating when I'm fighting to keep you safe-- it's like a rush, knowing that you're there.....  
  
knowing that if in battle I died, you'd seal my wounds with your tears. tears to change a hanyou.... tears to express a longing..... to express a hurt..... and an endless happiness. 


	11. Hanyou

A/n: Happy day. I'd like to state a few things... .this story (if you could call it that) has no beginning, no middle, and no end. It's random thoughts, jarred together, into what could be called a story format. They aren't in chronological order, and i can even take from episodes (and movies) I haven't even watched yet. Ah the glory that is the AMV. *nods* anyway..... The Kagome portion to this story has a first chapter, though it hasn't been posted yet, I"m not sure i liked the way it turned out. *shrugs* i'll have to check it out, and then show someone, see what they think. :) alright, on to the fic! Ja ne!  
  
every day-- they laughed. it was insane, how their laughter got to me. It's amazing that I don't have better control of my emotions by now-- I wouldn't let them see me cry.... I couldn't let them hurt me like that.... and my entire life was like that. people laughing at me. not quite here, but not quite there.... not human enough to live with them, but not demon enough to be accepted by society. I couldn't live in either world.... and I hid. I hid away, ashamed of what I was. half. some people might say half is better than none... but they're wrong. all my life I've just wanted to belong-- some place. Human-- demon.... anywhere.  
  
and then-- I found you. you didn't really take my breath away the first time I met you. I thought you as weak as all the rest... going to join in their mockery, and their hatred. but you didn't. I don't know why-- but you didn't..... and you and I .... well we didn't hit it off at first. in fact, we were enemies. but I was bound to you-- more importantly you intrigued me.... and after following you, and learning about you, and finding myself loving you-- I realize now why you didn't reject me.....  
  
you're the same.  
  
you don't belong in my time, but now that you've been here, you don't belong in your time either. You don't have a time, and I don't have a place, and somehow, together, we make sense. I have no place.... you don't have a time, and so we exist together, outside of all that. outside of all the material things.... like how it seems like nothing else in the world exists when you scream for me.... when you're in danger.... when you need me the most.... it's like every thing.... stops. the world goes black, and all there is ...... is us.  
  
and maybe it's because you're the only person who's cared for me, as a hanyou. you don't find me.... unworthy of your time.... you aren't disgusted by the fact my father loved a human mother.... you.... don't care. you know it all.... and somehow, you aren't disgusted, like everyone else...  
  
You were the first to say you liked me for me. 


	12. Hands

Amazing .... I never realized the control you let someone else have on your life by simply letting them into your heart. Even just a little bit. I've had to change.... so much-- and youre little hands-- they have this grip on me-- like you'll never know.  
  
I'd give up anything for you. it's insane. Part of me hates myself for how much I care for you. How I long for your little hands to fit themselves perfectly inside of my own.... or cup my cheek, or lace together behind my neck.... the millions of different things I want your hands to do, as I watch them preparing food, or clutching to the handles on your bike. How I wish that I could just cradle you in my arms... while you slept peacefully in my arms--  
  
not everything I think of is that peaceful..... some things I can imagine your hands doing makes my stomach roll-- I just... I can imagine your nails raking down my back.... as you clutch to me as if I'm your only life line to this world..... I can think of your hands running up and down my chest-- I shiver from the depth of my imagination-- and while I wish I could just brush all of this off as being lust-- a need that could be filled, then the ache I feel would be gone-- what may have once been just a simple lust has grown into something more..... deep. and I feel it-- rotting away my insides -- rooting itself deeper into my heart-- and I find going so much deeper than that....  
  
I don't just need your hands.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: This is the beginning of a new line of "Thoughts" I've started. *nods* I'm still trying to get in touch with my inner-Kagome.... And I'd like to say a big thank you to everyone who writes me letters-- I love getting them... :) I love the reviews, and i'm trying to be as honest to the character as I can be-- Every person has a secret he keeps. Inu Yasha's is his tender feelings. He's all squishy inside "Like a Caramello" honest. I've seen it. I've seen him be tender-- and i know that all the tough guys are really inside... :) Ja Ne! 


	13. Why

A/N: Alright, So this isn't in my little series that I mentioned before.... I wrote a chapter for the series, my computer froze, and lost the chapter, but I forgot to save *frowns* Yes, I'm evil, and unfortunately, so is Xander, my computer. (Geek Check, I named my PC) This chapter, I've decided, is the epitome of what this little collection of thoughts is. I hope you Enjoy... I'll get around to replicating my lost thoughts (or Inu's lost thoughts) tomorrow, if I have time. Thank you for your reviews, and I love you all for your praise. What can I say.... *shrugs* :) Ja Ne!  
  
~~  
  
The things you don't say-- often are the ones that mean the most. that's why you keep them inside, you're afraid of what everyone else might think of you if you said them aloud...... the things you don't say speak volumes compared to what you do say... and I wonder how you can't see how I feel. it seems so blatantly obvious to me, in the way I move, and the way I talk, but -- you aren't inside of my head, hearing the words that I can't say....  
  
It's so hard. You live the way you do, because you can't hear my thoughts-- because you can't read my mind. you don't know that when Kouga touches your arm that I instantly wish I was good enough to be in his place. you don't know that when you fall asleep at night and Shippo is snuggled there with you, that I wish to be in his place-- you don't know that when you cry a little bit of me dies, because I did it. I made you hurt. and I can't tell you.  
  
I can't tell you all of those things, until-- until I make myself better. until I make myself worthy... until I can make my actions match my feelings.  
  
until I can prove to you exactly how much I love you. 


	14. Balance

A/N: I'm basically adding this author's note so that FF.net will actually allow the chapter to be added. I have no major news. Other than THANK YOU for your wonderful reviews. I'm sorry to the people who have the wonderful corrections of "it's Inuyasha not Inu Yasha" I'm sorry, I think that's pretty much up to the author. Sorry. *shrugs* I dont' really care, so whatever. Also to whomever said "This story sucks" or some such thing, Good for you. It's not a story. Honest. So that shows how much you read. Thanks. Moron. Anyway. Thank you for all of your uplifting reviews. I enjoy them. Oh, and USEFUL criticism, is always welcomed. Feel free. Flames are for morons who don't have blogs. :)  
  
~~  
  
Balance.  
  
To fight well you have to have balance. after living for so long, I finally understand now that everything needs balance. I've never been one who believed in the whole opposites attract theory. What it is.... is that people look like opposites on the outside-- but fundamentally have something in common. That at it's root, everyone has the same basic wants.  
  
To keep those you love safe. To be loved. To be included.  
  
How is it that all of that is fulfilled in you? How is it that I don't need anyone in my life but you. I could go on living forever with seeing no one but you-- all I need is you. You to balance me. To love me, to keep you safe, for you to include me--  
  
and you do. You see me... all of me. and you let me keep you safe. you want me to keep you safe--  
  
why else would you keep coming back here? Why else would you keep coming back to me?  
  
I guess some of that is a lie-- sometimes you didn't want to come back, to the danger-- to me. Sometimes I couldn't live anymore without you. I couldn't stand being alone -- not again. not for so long. and I could be in a village full of people, in a market place in the largest town.... but unless you're there with me-- it just doesn't feel right.  
  
I need your scent. I need your eyes to look into mine. I need to hear your voice... I need the touch of your skin.... and living without it-- nearly drove me insane. I was.... I am.... so lost without you. You're always guiding me. leading me to new places-- taking me on new adventures...  
  
Life seems so dull and gray without you. 


	15. Eyes

"With eyes that look'd into the very soul-- . . . . Bright--and as black and burning as coal." -- Lord Bryon  
  
There are moments in life, where those more romantically minded than me, lock eyes, and they know they've found the one they were meant to love forever.  
  
I, unlike those people, think that's bull shit. that is, until I met you.  
  
Every time I look into your eyes, I can feel your soul calling out to mine. It sounds hokey, and stupid, but I can. I can feel you, pulling on me, saying, 'I can show you something you've never experienced. A higher thrill than the adrenaline running through your blood as you kill a demon. I can show you what it means to feel.... feel everything.'  
  
and while before, I didn't care. I didn't care about what happened around me, or to people around me. I'd become callous and cold. a hazard of being an outcast of society.... but you took me, without my knowledge, and led me on the greatest adventure ever known .... not the one where we save people from death, or avenge those who died before us tragically....  
  
you took me through every emotion known. Concern, anger, fury, desperation, fear, mercy, love, kindness.... unimaginable how you guided me, with those eyes.... it was always going back to your eyes. I could see everything you felt through them.... like a window to your brain-- I knew when you needed comfort, and did my best to give it....  
  
you made me human with your eyes.  
  
~~~ A/N: Part two of the little Series, the first one was touch, and this one is sight. I'm trying my hardest to write a 'scent' but I read one about Inu and his thoughts on Kagome's scent, and i can't think of anything BETTER...... mou, and i am not a stealer, so i don't want to just copy it. But I"ll try to ... do it rather originally. You'll have to give me some time :) Oi, and Happy Holidays! 


	16. Lies

A/N: I've been reading a lot of Miroku/Kagome fics lately, and i've come to learn, that Inuyasha (or Inu Yasha) isn't really watching his back in a whole lot of those fics. Shame on him. Oi. And the idea of him giving Kagome up without a fight, and being reasonable about it, that's freakin' crazy. I'm still working on the 'scent' story, but when you've read the BEST 'scent' fic EVER, then it's hard to surpass it. Mou. What's that? You want to read it? Okay!  
  
http:// people. uleth.ca/ ~pickcd00/fic/herscent. htm  
  
(take the spaces out of the URL, and make sure it's all lowercase... that was the problem before.) It's honestly the best. Ja ne?!  
  
~~  
  
maybe I was wrong.... to think that there was no threat.... from him.  
  
Hell. I know it. I know I was wrong. I usually am. I'm just so... It's so .... hard. and you're... you're driving me crazy with the way you are. The way you move, and the way the light glistens in your eyes.... and that wonderful smell... permeating.... and...  
  
Then you want to leave-- and I don't mean to yell like I do..... it just seems.... like it just happens. I say something in a snappy tone, and then you defend yourself.... and I'm just trying to be aloof-- so as to not give myself away..... and all I do is push you further away.  
  
and I hate doing it. but I have to. for all these weak and flimsy excuses-- but mostly I do it for you. I do it to keep you safe from him. from Naraku, from all the nasty things that you don't know. from the things that go bump in the night while you're safely tucked into your sleeping bag. to keep you safe from those who would steal you away to make me mad.... to keep you from the laughs and torment of being a hanyou's miko. I couldn't bear to see them make you cry.... or hurt you because of me.  
  
mostly, I'm trying to keep you safe from me. From the deeper parts of me, the things that I'm afraid you wouldn't stand for. the things in my past that are.... dark.... and disgusting. And.... I'm afraid you'll see me as I am..... misshapen. Ugly, disgusting, foul, defective, erratic, faulty, unsound, indecent, damaged, mangled, feeble, and screwed up. I am. I am all of those things. and I don't know why. And I need to keep you away from all of it.  
  
and I suppose saying that I'm keeping you from being hurt is how I justify it. how I make it okay. when really I'm just trying to keep me from being hurt.... being rejected.... to keep from going insane if someone took you away. So instead I bear my burden in silence. protecting you from what I can-- but really I'm just looking out for me.  
  
you don't know how I'd crumble if I lost you. 


	17. Friends

A/N: Hey my little Chickadees. I'm sorry the Update took so long, but I was all sorts of busy with school. I'm in a writing class, so I get to write, just not everything that I want to. Heh. Great, eh? Anyway, This one sorta goes with "My Friends Over You" by New Found Glory. You don't have to listen to it while you read, but it's what I was listening to when I wrote it. SO there ya go. :) Oh, and this one isn't about Kagome. Just so you know. I know it's abit of .... a stretch, especially with the title, but bear with me. Not everything Inuyasha thinks of is Kags. Sorry. :)  
  
~~Ja Ne!?~~  
  
At one time everything I did was for you. I changed everything so I could be with you. I made myself someone you'd want to be with. I felt I had to. Felt like I had to become good enough for you. And you gave me everything I wanted. Love, a place to be, someone to be with, peace of mind. A sense of belonging. But I realize, so much later, that you didn't give me what I needed most; acceptance of who I am. Sometimes I do bad things. Sometimes I would get caught up in some bad schemes. But when it came down to it my dirty schemes made me dirty enough that you didn't want me. I know I made a lot of promises back then. To stay with you always. To love you forever. But now it seems that I'm only doing it because I have to. The promises are empty shells of what I once felt. Like you. You're a shell of who you once were. Not at all who I loved. And so, since you never really loved me, who are you to hold me to this?  
  
You say you want me to to go with you. To be with you always. How can that be? You don't even see me. You didn't love me for who I was before, and you don't know who I am now. You don't love me. Not like I want. Not like I need someone to and maybe you need me. I don't think you understand that you don't get to pick and choose which parts of me you get to keep. You don't understand that all the stupid things I do, come with the things you love. You need what once was, and the stability of that. but.... the person I am now isn't who I was then. It's time for me to go. To break the ties that once bound us. Ti's time for me to choose, and I pick my friends over you. 


End file.
